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Posts Tagged ‘spewage’

Walking along, I come across a neighbour, we lean against a wall, looking out across the world, I fall into conversation. That is, I fall immediately and absolutely in a single moment into and as regurgitation and spewage of thought stuff. Just what the fuck am I representing here I ask myself as if from a distance. It starts off with a ‘How are you doing?’ then really quickly from reflex to reflex and layer by layer I am laying down sentences, weaving myself deeper and deeper into this web of deception and lies. Oh yes ‘but this is just a casual conversation’ comes up the justifying end of the back chat, as if it’s ok to take a little break from life, after all it’s just a passing courtesy, no consequence, minor significance. I look out sideways towards my destination and a little picture of a clock in my mind. Believing that I have trapped myself, I want to get away, to return to my self deception in which I kid myself that I have broken free. But no, already I have accepted myself as trapped and already I have accepted this definition of the event as a passing thing, cemented into a history between a future and a past. I do not notice that this is a meeting between two worlds, a meeting infinite with possibility of realisation and sharing of self here. Instead there is the picture beyond the wall we lean against, like a museum display of symbols from which to pick up something off the rack, turn it over, use it as an observation or a comment, as a gap-filler for the vacuum I have created in this fear which I have accepted where I do not share myself.

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