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Posts Tagged ‘Self Judgement’

Over the last week, ten days I have gone into a sort of blankness in which I have ‘seemed’ to run out of all resources of knowledge and information. ‘Gobsmacked’ comes up and makes in my mind a picture of an open mouth which may be a more accurate description of this state which has been this inner experience of blankness and fog.

However I can still write words and I am determined to write something, even if it’s just durr?

No, more than that. Till Here no further means also no further than Here. I see now that attempting to go further than Here and judging myself for not going further than Here has played a part in this fogginess which I have allowed as myself as this experience. Between this state of being in my mind and shut-down has been a blurry line, which I have crossed over, falling into sleep states and into self-programming dream scenarios.

Fuck-a doodle-do; that would be a rooster waking up into a vague sense of despair. This is a long established weather condition in myself as the mind. I recognize this struggle against self diminishment, and I find it ‘hard to see’ that it’s an excuse not to break out of the comfort zone of victimhood, not to allow myself to realize that no matter what the size of the problem, it can still only be resolved by me one step at a time, directing myself, one breath, one self forgiveness, one solution, one correction.

 

This fog, where did it all start? I see now that I was judging myself having made and accepted a comparison of myself against others in process. Seeing others as being able to step out of their bubbles of process and to be now addressing all the problems of the world, and judging myself as less-than in being still stuck in this bubble. Following this, me judging my blogs as being merely ‘process’, and then not publishing.

Accepting these self  judgements has resulted in the allowance of some really self destructive backchat. One morning I ‘awoke’ from a dream realizing that my backchat had been upgraded, that I had been listening to my backchat script being expressed through the voice of Bernard, that is, somehow I had synthesized his voice in my subconscious in a vicious attempt to sabotage myself.

Sometimes my backchat seems to arrive globally like a gang of piranhas . A sort of vicious battering of multiple self  judgements. The purpose being to keep me in this programmed existence which I have for so long accepted, to keep me in this acceptance which I have become. In this picture, to keep me from Self as living being in the Water of Life.

 

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It’s been another back-chat attack. It seems to come up in a swarm sometimes. And what do the voices say? The general tone is in self judgement. The statements are all things like: you can’t say that, you are being dishonest, you don’t know what you’re talking about, this is pretentious, this is you presenting yourself as something which you aren’t, this is patronising, this is bullshit, and don’t go into this, leave that till later, that’s too big to grasp right now.

and this one

…’If you say this, you’re going to have to go into that, and you don’t want to do that, because if you do people will find out who you really are’…

This specific back-chat objection to me writing shows me clearly:

1) The starting point of hiding from myself and apparently protecting myself at the same time.

2) Also shows me again this point about validation of self acceptance from outside. If I expose Self then I am risking this vital validation from outside on which I am dependent, which I am not allowing Self to give to Self.

3) There is a fear of losing control of the situation in ‘having to’ go into ‘that’.

4) There is a voice telling me what I want to do.

5) This voice is predicting by implication that something bad will happen.

6) My starting point in and as energy in thinking in my head (a-head) what I might possibly write.

 

Interesting how both the words ‘guard’ and ‘security’ are two-sided. There is the guard who keeps me secured, tied-up in a prison cell, and the guardian who gives me security in being safe. This voice in my head is both threatening and kind at the same time. This shows me something of the nature of this mind consciousness system as how I have accepted it to be.

 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear where it might possibly lead if I were to start exposing Self.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being judged.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to change my behaviour according to my fear of being judged.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to give a voice to my fear of judgement within backchat in my mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in thought, to participate in these configurations of energy in my mind and to allow myself to be guided my them by stopping myself in my own expression of myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing or accepting myself to see what it is that I am doing by writing what is happening and committing the words into physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel guilt in which I have accepted my own negative judgements about my own being.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to put faith and trust into my own negative judgements about myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am less than the energy system which I have created.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to  stand as the energy system which I have created by allowing myself to be judgement.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to come from and be as judgement as the starting point of who I am.

I forgive myself for not allowing or accepting myself to stand one and equal to this energy system which I have created and lived as so that I may no longer be enslaved by it.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that the stance of judgement is a safe place to be instead of realising that judgement is an unreal construct of the mind and that by allowing myself to be this I am actually abdicating from the reality of myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that this stance of judgement is protecting me when really it is supporting my fear of being myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create a system as myself in which I am simultaneously running away from and supporting fear.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear loss of control within my writing in which I risk losing validation from outside of my own self acceptance.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attempt to manipulate others through my writing so as to maintain validation from outside of my own self acceptance.

 

 

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