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Posts Tagged ‘reality’

Continuing to dismantle this ME-ality, this Mind Energetic Reality, which I have accepted and allowed as Here, Breath by Breath.

Waking up, opening up my eyes to face self has been for me a fearful process, a process in which I did not allow myself to see that this connection with fear was showing me a version of self which I had created within and as my mind.

What else has there ever been but this facing of self and avoidance of facing of self. And what of this creation of fear which I have accepted and allowed and then separated from as if it was the single enduring proof in my life that what I am here is this mind which exists separate to and less than this feature of my experience which I have called fear?

Writing this I remember how as a child I had repeated dreams in which I had ‘been chased’ into the dead end represented by the top of a building which had no rails around the edge so that it seemed and then was inevitable that I was drawn to and over the edge. Looking at this now it seems as if my dream reality was like a course in which I was practicing the reaction of fear, running away from something or falling off something. What I was establishing my faith in was running away from fear, or falling into fear, justifying these activities with pictures and stories. While in my body I was connecting over and over fear with this unpleasant sensation of a charge in my solar plexus. In the dream I seem to have been compiling the programme of fear of being unable to escape from fear, as fear of fear; and fear of having no control over fear, as fear of fear, or fear of being enslaved to fear as fear of fear.

Coming back to avoidance of facing self, in which statement fear is explicitly entwined with self, I am accepting and allowing fear of self. Opening up my eyes when I wake up in the morning I am facing self, if I do this as self in fear, then I am waking up not in the real world but in a mind projected reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in fear and for allowing myself to connect fear to fear so that I exist trapped within and as my beliefs as fear of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and escape from fear and for not allowing myself to realize that in doing this I am sabotaging myself within by accepting escape as real, then fear as real also.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having no control over fear and for not allowing myself to realize that in seeking to control fear I am acting in fear of fear and continuing to live in the world of the mind in which I have accepted fear as real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being enslaved by fear and for not allowing myself to realize that in fearing being enslaved by fear I am acting in fear of fear and thus creating the enslavement which I fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this unpleasant sensation in my solar plexus to fear and for not allowing myself to realize that in fearing this sensation in my body I am acting in fear of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define reality according to my beliefs in the thoughts in my mind, and for not allowing myself to realize that if I am living in a reality defined by the thoughts in my mind then the reality in which I live is no different to a dream world.

Nightmares, myself as a series of the same nightmare. Myself as fear of fear.

Having a special word for these dreams seemed to confirm that they had some form of reality, that they existed having being given a special word. The special word was ‘nightmare’, a horse of the night. Accepting and allowing fear of and as myself I had no wish to enquire any further what and why it should be named as such. Better to leave that knowledge ‘unopened’ I must have thought, in fear, so as not to possibly re-experience the fear which was for me the inner essence of the word.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a ‘nightmare’ could exist as separate from me because it had a special word for what it was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘nightmare’ to fear and thus in fear of nightmares accepting and allowing myself as fear of fear.

I remember how I would ‘come’ to a ‘place’ in my sleep or in my transition out of ‘waking’ (lol) consciousness when I would recognize the signs of a ‘nightmare’ being about to ‘arrive’, and then it was ‘too late’. It would be as if I was strapped on to a conveyer belt so that it was inevitable that I would go into this experience which I had defined as a nightmare.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that ‘there is nothing I can do’, and that ‘I cannot move myself’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as the victim of my own experience in which I had abandoned and suppressed my own responsibility as myself within the experience of my mind.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that the ‘inevitability’ of the coming nightmare was me experiencing myself as my mind as fear of fear. Because the dreams which I remember were all ‘repeater’, ‘re-occurring’ dreams, ‘nightmares’, they were actually re-occurring memories of dreams.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as less than my memories in which I had accepted and allowed myself to be a victim to these memories, in which I accepted and allowed these memories as real instead of realizing and understanding that these were pictures, thoughts within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to programme myself within reacting over and over again to a memory, a story which I am telling myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in a story which I am telling myself in which I define myself as fear of fear.

For more information about this process go to: www.desteni.co.za

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In terms of walking the tools of Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and Self Correction, I as a Destonian, can call myself a ‘walker’.

Seeing realizing and understanding how I am walking my Self through and as the mind, through this Self as Ego, through this total mind experience which I have existed in and which I have accepted and allowed as a reality, I find this reality itself to be nothing more than my belief, a consensual consequence of the projection of the mind of Self as humanity as a whole. Yes physical consequence, but not as I have seen it with my eyes, any more than I have seen the mind through which I am projecting the separation which I have accepted and allowed as myself.

Realisation of my responsibility as the source of this is not constant. I walk along breath by breath, sometimes falling into participation with experience, reaction. Sharing and expressing what this is that I am walking seems at once the most important thing and the most difficult thing. Every word seems preloaded and sabotaged by this medium of Ego. Like for example the word Equality. Absorbed and then re-marketed, it becomes an energetic entity, a political preference, a slogan, a kind of relationship, a comparison of separated quantities, in this process the actual significance of Equality as a key to Self as Life has then been successfully avoided. That real sharing and real communication is impossible without Equality is a fact that could potentially destroy the ego.

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