Posts Tagged ‘Desteni’


Reading again this book, ‘Sanity, Madness and the Family’ (R.D Laing & A. Esterson), a collection of recorded interviews with 11 families. Each family had the common feature of having a child defined as ‘psychotic’ or ‘schizophrenic’ and had been subsequently hospitalized. Here we get not only an insight into the machinations of family brainwashing, but also a historic dimension in which we get a glimpse of the inheritance of systems from the next generation back. Here we enter into the generations of madness as an institution.

Having it’s origin in the early ‘60’s, the book is focused on generations familiar to me, and I recognize many of the now dated words of the time that made up the back-chat. Somewhat like a memory of the furniture in my grandmother’s parlour, these antiquated words and phrases come back to me as the units of the experience that I came to accept as myself.

Phrases such as, ‘showing-off’, ‘highly-strung’, ‘break-down’, ‘making a fuss’, ‘not your place’, ‘your own sweet way’, ‘full of yourself’, ‘spoiled’, ‘stubborn’, ‘selfish’, seem to me to be the features of the culture into which I was born. Each phrase carries a living connection to unconscious systems of values, this livingness of connection being me.

In seeing this book as another peek into my inheritance of systems, I realize also now that my initial ‘understanding’ of the book on first reading in my teenage years, would have been in the shape of how effectively the information had answered the question that I became as the starting point of reading this book. In the case of this book as well as a general ‘interest’ in psychology, the starting point was , ‘Is it, (within my belief and self judgement of there being ‘something wrong with me’), is it that I will find this definition of myself within this word of ‘schizophrenic’?

Looking back at these times I can see how this quest of self within the accepted reality of separation was ridiculously enough within a hope of finding myself amongst the ready made psychological definitions of human personality. I was seeking a definition from the system so that I could take part in the system, as a component of the system.

So first reading of this book had been an attempt to clarify the state of mystification in which I had walked away from my family. What I hadn’t realized was that on the other side of mystification lay a rooted belief in self definition as the way to go in this culture/system/world that seemed to me to be composed of definitions and labels, evident in the expressions and thoughts of family members such as in these charged up words I mentioned.

This process of mystification is a common feature amongst the interviews of these 11 families in the book. It is often the story of a child’s attempt to stabilize itself in the conditions of a conspiracy of fear and lies, in a story of war, of allegiances, parties, and special relationships, secret contracts, jealousy, and competition.

At one point in the book, Laing remarks that the parents “spoke without the slightest recognition that the modality of their experience and actions was fantasy”. It is as if the vehicle of the family system gets pushed along from generation to generation with no insight as to its content or direction. In these families specifically collateral damage was seen as an acceptable consequence, in which the opportunity of a child has been deliberately fucked over. Families in which there are no living beings but only beings suspended in abdication to automated systems.

Here’s the perspective of a being crossed over and talking through the Portal, a quote from Life Review My Life of Sin: (free!)


“…and there we are all going walking in our lives not realizing that we are not living, we are not here in this physical reality, we are complete zombies in these internal fantasy illusion imagination realities in our mind in which we’ve accumulated our little worlds as everything of this world that we are interpreting perceiving believing and like literally creating ideas of within our own minds. So it’s taking actual physical reality, imprinting everything, the likes, dislikes and preferences of all systems as all the parts into our minds and creating a mind world of the actual physical world and simply existing and experiencing ourselves as within our own interpretations of reality, as that’s literally how each human being is living in this world…”





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Listening to Sunette using a sentence that contained both ‘self-direction’, and ‘walking discipline’,  ( This is the video: 2012: How and Why we ALWAYS Miss the OBVIOUS ) I suddenly was in an experience of fear, going roughly, Oh no, not walking discipline! Arg!

So come on Adam, who have I been trying to kid round here, believing that I might just maybe be able to direct myself and keep this nasty little word discipline tucked away somewhere, maybe somehow get by without having to look at it! Nooo!

This is a really cool point for me because I find that the issue of discipline is like a corner stone of the structure of this personality which I have for so long accepted as me. I have been attempting to direct myself (going like why is this so hard? lol) while at the same time avoiding the word ‘discipline’ because of all the negative emotional charges that I have connected to it. Is there a difference between directing myself and walking discipline?

When I have a look at the word discipline as I have defined it according to my experiences of hearing the word I see how I have connected it to fear. A picture comes up of drill practice at school as an army cadet in which one follows orders, moves exactly as others, in uniforms exactly as others, all timed footfalls exactly as others, as a machine. Kind of fun in itself, but I reacted badly to it. I didn’t like all the endless preparations of boot polishing and brass cleaning, and the fact that it was ok for a teacher dressed up in the uniform of an officer to be as offensive and sadistic as possible. So I became opposed to discipline as acceptance of authority, as loss of individuality.

So accumulating around this word discipline I had already beliefs that discipline meant obeying the commands of authority, meant constriction, deprivation of freedom, and loss of individuality.

So as a reaction I elected to live a life not disciplined, casual, wild, free, tolerant, etc.  All the opposite qualities of what the system was attempting to imbue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am free within consenting to my own possession by impulses and desires.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that in fearing self-discipline as ‘constriction’ I am obviously protecting myself as this possession of impulse and desire as personality and sabotaging the possibility of me taking responsibility for who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self-discipline and for not allowing myself to realize how I have designed my personality as me, my life, according to a reaction to manipulation and control by others and for not realizing that in fearing self discipline I have been in effect safe guarding the continuation of this belief in myself as this personality and have therefore positioned myself in defense against myself so that I may not direct myself or be able to walk this point of discipline.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize how I can in fact enjoy direction of myself, how I can in fact have direction in my life and be direction and live direction as an expression of who I am.



Here is a really clear introduction to the energy system in the human body:


Desteni.org   Equalmoney.org


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In a moment my head turns smoothly as if dragged by the swivelling of my eyes, towards a window, towards a patch of sky, and I realize that I am looking for a reference to this belief in the existence of a door into another world. There are still the remnants of that illusion in my system. There is no way out of here, no way out of the totality of this projection which is me. Checking for a ‘ray’ of hope in the world is an activity of ego worship, in which I am promoting the continuation of the reign of consciousness. I have slipped into the same illusion that attempts to make real the arrival of God into physical reality such as ‘doomsday’ and ‘2012’ so that proof that God exists has been established here, and I am ‘right’…All in the absence of a single breath.

And here I see a point; I ask from what is it that I turn away? Is there really an ‘away’ to turn towards that is not another image in my mind? A fear has slipped up inside me and I have accepted it, allowed myself to exist as it, and to exist as less than it and I have turned away, and I realize that I have also accepted anger at myself, and I realize that this is how I treat myself when I am angry at me for being who I am; I ignore myself, I look away from the things which I have made, I avoid the face to face, I go all quiet, I keep the judgements which I have made racked up on a high shelf where I do not have to see them. I change the subject, I go off into distraction , into the sky and the clouds, and there I make-believe a ‘ray’ of hope.


It’s quite funny, I have to laugh at myself; I had a what the fuck sort of moment, in which I was going, ‘How Come, You don’t want to hear what’s going On?’, as a general world address, in my mind, about the simple message of Desteni and the solution of Equality. So it seems I turned it back on myself with an answer.


There are some really great new books out at Eqafe.com, have a look.

Also World/Self/Solutions: desteni.org, and equalmoney.org

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Over the last week, ten days I have gone into a sort of blankness in which I have ‘seemed’ to run out of all resources of knowledge and information. ‘Gobsmacked’ comes up and makes in my mind a picture of an open mouth which may be a more accurate description of this state which has been this inner experience of blankness and fog.

However I can still write words and I am determined to write something, even if it’s just durr?

No, more than that. Till Here no further means also no further than Here. I see now that attempting to go further than Here and judging myself for not going further than Here has played a part in this fogginess which I have allowed as myself as this experience. Between this state of being in my mind and shut-down has been a blurry line, which I have crossed over, falling into sleep states and into self-programming dream scenarios.

Fuck-a doodle-do; that would be a rooster waking up into a vague sense of despair. This is a long established weather condition in myself as the mind. I recognize this struggle against self diminishment, and I find it ‘hard to see’ that it’s an excuse not to break out of the comfort zone of victimhood, not to allow myself to realize that no matter what the size of the problem, it can still only be resolved by me one step at a time, directing myself, one breath, one self forgiveness, one solution, one correction.


This fog, where did it all start? I see now that I was judging myself having made and accepted a comparison of myself against others in process. Seeing others as being able to step out of their bubbles of process and to be now addressing all the problems of the world, and judging myself as less-than in being still stuck in this bubble. Following this, me judging my blogs as being merely ‘process’, and then not publishing.

Accepting these self  judgements has resulted in the allowance of some really self destructive backchat. One morning I ‘awoke’ from a dream realizing that my backchat had been upgraded, that I had been listening to my backchat script being expressed through the voice of Bernard, that is, somehow I had synthesized his voice in my subconscious in a vicious attempt to sabotage myself.

Sometimes my backchat seems to arrive globally like a gang of piranhas . A sort of vicious battering of multiple self  judgements. The purpose being to keep me in this programmed existence which I have for so long accepted, to keep me in this acceptance which I have become. In this picture, to keep me from Self as living being in the Water of Life.


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After-thought network title: Tales of Mystery and Imagination


Starting with this point of me and ‘imagination’,

looking at how in my life I have cherished imagination as a personal asset through which I have believed that I might possibly be able to redeem my apparent worthlessness within my assessment and definition of myself as ‘inapplicable’ to the system.


Not realizing that mind itself is all and every part of it imagination, and it was not as this mind was telling me, that imagination was an aspect of myself as the mind, a sort of  attractive resource that was available to me as the mind, or that accepting it thus, would involve acceptance of myself as the mind.


In daring to look at this now, I acknowledge the fear that has been involved in it. In turning imagination as an ‘aspect’ of the mind into some sort of glorious mystery which I turned into my domain, and called ‘imagination’ I see now how this was my safe place to ‘play’ as mind  within the unknowingness of my self as fear.


In seeing here the word cherished, which is both loved and nurtured, I understand also the origin of my grief in letting go of these things.





Memory: Someone said about me, puzzled by my apparent inapplicability within the system: ‘It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.’


Accepting this formulation of the situation as being my personal position, within which I was saying to myself ‘yes’, ‘that’s it,’ ‘that’s right’, ‘now I understand’ meant that from this construct I would now go on to seek the ‘solution’ to my discomfort in the same terms; that is to find out the ‘roundness’ of myself which I had missed as a ‘peg’ in order to ‘fit’, or else to seek out a ‘square hole’.


I did not realize at the time how in accepting this formula I was accepting myself as a limited choice between ‘square’ and ‘round’, or how I was accepting a belief that the solution to my discomfort lay in discovering my ‘allotted’ place within society, which I then saw as being a kind of personalized socket which I needed to find and then into which to insert myself.


In seeking out ‘square holes’ in the ‘peg board’ of the system I was looking for a ready-made place for me. I see now the background programming of God’s Plan.

The ‘rightness’ of my fit into this socket would mean that the lights would come on, that there would now be a circuit, and that I would be connected, be successful, get money, have sex, have value, be happy, and the sun of God would shine down upon me and I would be a functional part of the system, have an application.


In seeking out the required quality of ‘roundness’ in myself in order to plug myself into a round hole, I was constantly seeking new definitions of myself through comparing myself to others. Like is there anything of me in that, this, him, her? There was a belief here that if I managed to look at myself through others from a different perspective and re-define myself and feel comfortable with the definition, and it ‘stuck’, then that would mean that at last through trial and error of self definitions I would have found out who I really was.


Unknowingly, I was looking for something that would ‘ring a bell’ inside me and confirm that I was walking with the programme of who I was, according to what felt ‘right’ in my gut, sort of attempting to fit myself with myself by listening to and believing in these signals in my mind.


In fear of an answer, I never asked myself the question What is it that I have accepted about myself that makes me so willing and even desperate to find a definition into which to fit myself? Or why would I accept such limitation and constriction?


It had never occurred to me that seeking out what was god’s plan for me was exactly the same as seeking out what was my pre-programming as a system. Seeing it as ‘God’s Divine Plan’, there was already built into my beliefs rightness, and specialness, sin and glory, the basic architecture of myself as a programmed ego, and that in following the ‘Will’ of God I was seeking salvation in slavery.


Being without self trust and still faithful to my accepted fear of realizing and facing within this my self dishonesty, or my self responsibility in it all, instead In fear of self I accepted this vague suppressed discomfort as a driving force, as a substitute for life and as a result my mission became this search for self definition.


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Progress. Looking at the dictionary definition: Moving forward or onward in space or time, that’s progress. Develop towards something better, that’s progress.


So in this world ‘progress’ has been re-styled as an ideal connected up with science and technology. As such it is a desirable, because ‘better’ technology means, what? More effective weapons? More effective control? More effective entertainment systems? Means that we are ‘winning’ more effectively in our economic competition between ‘countries’? Means that we can travel faster? Means that we can look forward to having new things turning up in our consumer outlets? Means that we can do away with our old systems so as to buy upgrades? Is this what technology is for, to enhance and refresh and protect our consumer experience?


The development of the consumer society rests on encouraging the self interested ego in beings, encouraging desires to win, to look better, to buy things to sate their appetites, to be entertained, to be constantly distracted. While scarcity of money means a constant fear of survival and a constant need to reward oneself for the toils of work. Fear of a broader kind is fostered through false and biassed information from the media which is used to create a false reality bubble within which this consumer desire can flourish. Meanwhile the powers that be can go about furthering their ends without dissent. This means mostly raping and swindling other countries for their resources. It would be a stable system if it wasn’t for the rampant nature of greed and the finite quantity of physical resources.


The rampant nature of Greed. Why is this? What is ‘Greed’? It is like an extreme form of desire which is coupled up with competition and jealousy and the need to win, hence the desire to have more than others, and the acceptance of others to have less. It is a characteristic of ego as Self imprisoned into a systematic trap of self-interest. Rampant  ego in self interest as a lie, trapped forever in being a lie, an absolute denial of Self as Life.


Living in a world of deception we have a system founded on and sustained by lies, which educates beings into becoming  possessed as egos of self interest, who are encouraged to give away their power and self responsibility, who vote according to the demands and reactions of their own systems of self abuse so as to feed their cravings for energy and their addictions, while those who have the power pander to and exploit the desires of their subjects for the sake of more and more power to somehow make heaven on earth for themselves within the unreality of their minds. Demonocracy.



So practically, what can be done for actual democracy to become possible? Everybody has to know about the universal tools of Self Forgiveness and Self Correction, everybody has to see that Self Change and Self Realisation is possible. I have to utilize this internet technology so that it supports Life, mass-communicate the message of equality, share the process of Self Forgiveness and Self correction, these methods and tools of Actual Self Change so that it will reach as many people as possible, so that we can reach out beyond the boundaries of this mind control, give back to ourselves our power, our self responsibility, give back to ourselves our Self as Life. This is the task which has been taken on by Destonians.


Come and join us! Let’s make realisation of Equality go Viral, so that together we can bring in an Equal Money System and put a start to actual progress of humanity in which all are walking in the same direction, in which a world democracy is a constant first vote by living beings for World Equality and what is Best for All.



more information: www.desteni.co.za







I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a being that fosters and exploits the reactions of others as systems so as to get money, so as to win, so as to feel better about myself and for not realising how within this I am accepting and allowing myself to be totally possessed and exploited by my own system.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a being obsessed with winning and for not allowing myself to see that in doing this I am creating the circumstances in which I can win, such as competition, conflict and war.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in ‘technological progress’ as a thing in itself and for not allowing myself to realise that the only technological progress possible is how effectively it can support Life.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the system in which I live as demonic, and for not allowing myself to realise that the system which I describe is a direct reflection of the system of myself and how I am in my own consciousness.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as demonic and for being unwilling to face that the only demon is the energy of my mind attempting to simulate life while I am absent from who I am in abdication of my responsibility.

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I have a work in front of me now in cleaning up one of my essential tools which is the word ‘No’. This seems like a vast piece of work to do but I will not let that ‘vastness’ be a justification for not making a start.

A picture comes up in my mind of a huge ‘Yes’ written across the sky as the name of my energetic world of consent to everything.

Saying ‘No’ in a ‘Yes’ world is taboo. There are energetic safeguards to stop this happening, built in seductions of my resolve. My responsibility is now to undo the measures which I have put in for my own protection as the system. This complicity I have had within my relationship to and as myself as mind as an ongoing chain reaction of resigned consent, it has to stop with the word ‘No’.

Therefore I have to take out this word and look at how I have defined and lived it. In order to live ‘No’ as a simple expresion of what I will not accept, I have now to disconnect the energetic constructs which I have allowed to accumulate within it, me. Having connected fear to the word ‘No’ I am accepting and allowing self as mind as fear of fear when I act to avoid saying ‘No’, thus in saying ‘No’ to myself as consciousness, I am self sabotaging myself by affirming consciousness in giving reality to fear so that in effect in this situation ‘No’ doesn’t mean ‘No’ at all but ‘Yes’. My ‘No’ has been undermined, it is ineffective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the state of this word ‘No’ in who and how I am as an excuse to falter in my resolve to change myself and be the change of self, instead of realising that this word has back doors built into it with my consent so that I can continue to be ineffective in ‘trying’ to change, continue to be a victim in my relationship to myself, continue to see self responsibility postponed till later.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write in a secret get-out clause within the word ‘No’ by accepting and allowing myself to connect fear with the word ‘No’.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that in accepting these conditions in myself I am also accepting them for and as others so that the consequence is a world in which the effect of the word ‘No’ has been neutralised.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that in saying ‘No’ to the systems in fear I am accepting myself as the system and within this have lost touch with myself as who I am so that the ground on which I stand seems to fall away beneath me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this feeling of the ground falling away beneath my stand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within this as fear of fear and of fear of fear of fear and for not allowing myself to realise that within this vortex I am accepting and allowing mind possession within this starting point of my belief in fear.

When and as I say ‘No’, I say ‘No’ in the simplicity and clarity of myself as No, I do not accept this. I breathe. Every time I say No to myself as the system where once I would have allowed Yes, I am stronger in myself as Self as Life and with this No I take back bit by bit my power as Self as Life.

For more information on Self Forgiveness and word purification go to http://www.desteni.co.za

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