Posts Tagged ‘desteni I process’

Over the last week, ten days I have gone into a sort of blankness in which I have ‘seemed’ to run out of all resources of knowledge and information. ‘Gobsmacked’ comes up and makes in my mind a picture of an open mouth which may be a more accurate description of this state which has been this inner experience of blankness and fog.

However I can still write words and I am determined to write something, even if it’s just durr?

No, more than that. Till Here no further means also no further than Here. I see now that attempting to go further than Here and judging myself for not going further than Here has played a part in this fogginess which I have allowed as myself as this experience. Between this state of being in my mind and shut-down has been a blurry line, which I have crossed over, falling into sleep states and into self-programming dream scenarios.

Fuck-a doodle-do; that would be a rooster waking up into a vague sense of despair. This is a long established weather condition in myself as the mind. I recognize this struggle against self diminishment, and I find it ‘hard to see’ that it’s an excuse not to break out of the comfort zone of victimhood, not to allow myself to realize that no matter what the size of the problem, it can still only be resolved by me one step at a time, directing myself, one breath, one self forgiveness, one solution, one correction.


This fog, where did it all start? I see now that I was judging myself having made and accepted a comparison of myself against others in process. Seeing others as being able to step out of their bubbles of process and to be now addressing all the problems of the world, and judging myself as less-than in being still stuck in this bubble. Following this, me judging my blogs as being merely ‘process’, and then not publishing.

Accepting these self  judgements has resulted in the allowance of some really self destructive backchat. One morning I ‘awoke’ from a dream realizing that my backchat had been upgraded, that I had been listening to my backchat script being expressed through the voice of Bernard, that is, somehow I had synthesized his voice in my subconscious in a vicious attempt to sabotage myself.

Sometimes my backchat seems to arrive globally like a gang of piranhas . A sort of vicious battering of multiple self  judgements. The purpose being to keep me in this programmed existence which I have for so long accepted, to keep me in this acceptance which I have become. In this picture, to keep me from Self as living being in the Water of Life.



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After-thought network title: Tales of Mystery and Imagination


Starting with this point of me and ‘imagination’,

looking at how in my life I have cherished imagination as a personal asset through which I have believed that I might possibly be able to redeem my apparent worthlessness within my assessment and definition of myself as ‘inapplicable’ to the system.


Not realizing that mind itself is all and every part of it imagination, and it was not as this mind was telling me, that imagination was an aspect of myself as the mind, a sort of  attractive resource that was available to me as the mind, or that accepting it thus, would involve acceptance of myself as the mind.


In daring to look at this now, I acknowledge the fear that has been involved in it. In turning imagination as an ‘aspect’ of the mind into some sort of glorious mystery which I turned into my domain, and called ‘imagination’ I see now how this was my safe place to ‘play’ as mind  within the unknowingness of my self as fear.


In seeing here the word cherished, which is both loved and nurtured, I understand also the origin of my grief in letting go of these things.





Memory: Someone said about me, puzzled by my apparent inapplicability within the system: ‘It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.’


Accepting this formulation of the situation as being my personal position, within which I was saying to myself ‘yes’, ‘that’s it,’ ‘that’s right’, ‘now I understand’ meant that from this construct I would now go on to seek the ‘solution’ to my discomfort in the same terms; that is to find out the ‘roundness’ of myself which I had missed as a ‘peg’ in order to ‘fit’, or else to seek out a ‘square hole’.


I did not realize at the time how in accepting this formula I was accepting myself as a limited choice between ‘square’ and ‘round’, or how I was accepting a belief that the solution to my discomfort lay in discovering my ‘allotted’ place within society, which I then saw as being a kind of personalized socket which I needed to find and then into which to insert myself.


In seeking out ‘square holes’ in the ‘peg board’ of the system I was looking for a ready-made place for me. I see now the background programming of God’s Plan.

The ‘rightness’ of my fit into this socket would mean that the lights would come on, that there would now be a circuit, and that I would be connected, be successful, get money, have sex, have value, be happy, and the sun of God would shine down upon me and I would be a functional part of the system, have an application.


In seeking out the required quality of ‘roundness’ in myself in order to plug myself into a round hole, I was constantly seeking new definitions of myself through comparing myself to others. Like is there anything of me in that, this, him, her? There was a belief here that if I managed to look at myself through others from a different perspective and re-define myself and feel comfortable with the definition, and it ‘stuck’, then that would mean that at last through trial and error of self definitions I would have found out who I really was.


Unknowingly, I was looking for something that would ‘ring a bell’ inside me and confirm that I was walking with the programme of who I was, according to what felt ‘right’ in my gut, sort of attempting to fit myself with myself by listening to and believing in these signals in my mind.


In fear of an answer, I never asked myself the question What is it that I have accepted about myself that makes me so willing and even desperate to find a definition into which to fit myself? Or why would I accept such limitation and constriction?


It had never occurred to me that seeking out what was god’s plan for me was exactly the same as seeking out what was my pre-programming as a system. Seeing it as ‘God’s Divine Plan’, there was already built into my beliefs rightness, and specialness, sin and glory, the basic architecture of myself as a programmed ego, and that in following the ‘Will’ of God I was seeking salvation in slavery.


Being without self trust and still faithful to my accepted fear of realizing and facing within this my self dishonesty, or my self responsibility in it all, instead In fear of self I accepted this vague suppressed discomfort as a driving force, as a substitute for life and as a result my mission became this search for self definition.


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Progress. Looking at the dictionary definition: Moving forward or onward in space or time, that’s progress. Develop towards something better, that’s progress.


So in this world ‘progress’ has been re-styled as an ideal connected up with science and technology. As such it is a desirable, because ‘better’ technology means, what? More effective weapons? More effective control? More effective entertainment systems? Means that we are ‘winning’ more effectively in our economic competition between ‘countries’? Means that we can travel faster? Means that we can look forward to having new things turning up in our consumer outlets? Means that we can do away with our old systems so as to buy upgrades? Is this what technology is for, to enhance and refresh and protect our consumer experience?


The development of the consumer society rests on encouraging the self interested ego in beings, encouraging desires to win, to look better, to buy things to sate their appetites, to be entertained, to be constantly distracted. While scarcity of money means a constant fear of survival and a constant need to reward oneself for the toils of work. Fear of a broader kind is fostered through false and biassed information from the media which is used to create a false reality bubble within which this consumer desire can flourish. Meanwhile the powers that be can go about furthering their ends without dissent. This means mostly raping and swindling other countries for their resources. It would be a stable system if it wasn’t for the rampant nature of greed and the finite quantity of physical resources.


The rampant nature of Greed. Why is this? What is ‘Greed’? It is like an extreme form of desire which is coupled up with competition and jealousy and the need to win, hence the desire to have more than others, and the acceptance of others to have less. It is a characteristic of ego as Self imprisoned into a systematic trap of self-interest. Rampant  ego in self interest as a lie, trapped forever in being a lie, an absolute denial of Self as Life.


Living in a world of deception we have a system founded on and sustained by lies, which educates beings into becoming  possessed as egos of self interest, who are encouraged to give away their power and self responsibility, who vote according to the demands and reactions of their own systems of self abuse so as to feed their cravings for energy and their addictions, while those who have the power pander to and exploit the desires of their subjects for the sake of more and more power to somehow make heaven on earth for themselves within the unreality of their minds. Demonocracy.



So practically, what can be done for actual democracy to become possible? Everybody has to know about the universal tools of Self Forgiveness and Self Correction, everybody has to see that Self Change and Self Realisation is possible. I have to utilize this internet technology so that it supports Life, mass-communicate the message of equality, share the process of Self Forgiveness and Self correction, these methods and tools of Actual Self Change so that it will reach as many people as possible, so that we can reach out beyond the boundaries of this mind control, give back to ourselves our power, our self responsibility, give back to ourselves our Self as Life. This is the task which has been taken on by Destonians.


Come and join us! Let’s make realisation of Equality go Viral, so that together we can bring in an Equal Money System and put a start to actual progress of humanity in which all are walking in the same direction, in which a world democracy is a constant first vote by living beings for World Equality and what is Best for All.



more information: www.desteni.co.za







I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a being that fosters and exploits the reactions of others as systems so as to get money, so as to win, so as to feel better about myself and for not realising how within this I am accepting and allowing myself to be totally possessed and exploited by my own system.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a being obsessed with winning and for not allowing myself to see that in doing this I am creating the circumstances in which I can win, such as competition, conflict and war.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in ‘technological progress’ as a thing in itself and for not allowing myself to realise that the only technological progress possible is how effectively it can support Life.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the system in which I live as demonic, and for not allowing myself to realise that the system which I describe is a direct reflection of the system of myself and how I am in my own consciousness.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as demonic and for being unwilling to face that the only demon is the energy of my mind attempting to simulate life while I am absent from who I am in abdication of my responsibility.

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I have a work in front of me now in cleaning up one of my essential tools which is the word ‘No’. This seems like a vast piece of work to do but I will not let that ‘vastness’ be a justification for not making a start.

A picture comes up in my mind of a huge ‘Yes’ written across the sky as the name of my energetic world of consent to everything.

Saying ‘No’ in a ‘Yes’ world is taboo. There are energetic safeguards to stop this happening, built in seductions of my resolve. My responsibility is now to undo the measures which I have put in for my own protection as the system. This complicity I have had within my relationship to and as myself as mind as an ongoing chain reaction of resigned consent, it has to stop with the word ‘No’.

Therefore I have to take out this word and look at how I have defined and lived it. In order to live ‘No’ as a simple expresion of what I will not accept, I have now to disconnect the energetic constructs which I have allowed to accumulate within it, me. Having connected fear to the word ‘No’ I am accepting and allowing self as mind as fear of fear when I act to avoid saying ‘No’, thus in saying ‘No’ to myself as consciousness, I am self sabotaging myself by affirming consciousness in giving reality to fear so that in effect in this situation ‘No’ doesn’t mean ‘No’ at all but ‘Yes’. My ‘No’ has been undermined, it is ineffective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the state of this word ‘No’ in who and how I am as an excuse to falter in my resolve to change myself and be the change of self, instead of realising that this word has back doors built into it with my consent so that I can continue to be ineffective in ‘trying’ to change, continue to be a victim in my relationship to myself, continue to see self responsibility postponed till later.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write in a secret get-out clause within the word ‘No’ by accepting and allowing myself to connect fear with the word ‘No’.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that in accepting these conditions in myself I am also accepting them for and as others so that the consequence is a world in which the effect of the word ‘No’ has been neutralised.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that in saying ‘No’ to the systems in fear I am accepting myself as the system and within this have lost touch with myself as who I am so that the ground on which I stand seems to fall away beneath me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this feeling of the ground falling away beneath my stand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within this as fear of fear and of fear of fear of fear and for not allowing myself to realise that within this vortex I am accepting and allowing mind possession within this starting point of my belief in fear.

When and as I say ‘No’, I say ‘No’ in the simplicity and clarity of myself as No, I do not accept this. I breathe. Every time I say No to myself as the system where once I would have allowed Yes, I am stronger in myself as Self as Life and with this No I take back bit by bit my power as Self as Life.

For more information on Self Forgiveness and word purification go to http://www.desteni.co.za

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Continuing to dismantle this ME-ality, this Mind Energetic Reality, which I have accepted and allowed as Here, Breath by Breath.

Waking up, opening up my eyes to face self has been for me a fearful process, a process in which I did not allow myself to see that this connection with fear was showing me a version of self which I had created within and as my mind.

What else has there ever been but this facing of self and avoidance of facing of self. And what of this creation of fear which I have accepted and allowed and then separated from as if it was the single enduring proof in my life that what I am here is this mind which exists separate to and less than this feature of my experience which I have called fear?

Writing this I remember how as a child I had repeated dreams in which I had ‘been chased’ into the dead end represented by the top of a building which had no rails around the edge so that it seemed and then was inevitable that I was drawn to and over the edge. Looking at this now it seems as if my dream reality was like a course in which I was practicing the reaction of fear, running away from something or falling off something. What I was establishing my faith in was running away from fear, or falling into fear, justifying these activities with pictures and stories. While in my body I was connecting over and over fear with this unpleasant sensation of a charge in my solar plexus. In the dream I seem to have been compiling the programme of fear of being unable to escape from fear, as fear of fear; and fear of having no control over fear, as fear of fear, or fear of being enslaved to fear as fear of fear.

Coming back to avoidance of facing self, in which statement fear is explicitly entwined with self, I am accepting and allowing fear of self. Opening up my eyes when I wake up in the morning I am facing self, if I do this as self in fear, then I am waking up not in the real world but in a mind projected reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in fear and for allowing myself to connect fear to fear so that I exist trapped within and as my beliefs as fear of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and escape from fear and for not allowing myself to realize that in doing this I am sabotaging myself within by accepting escape as real, then fear as real also.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having no control over fear and for not allowing myself to realize that in seeking to control fear I am acting in fear of fear and continuing to live in the world of the mind in which I have accepted fear as real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being enslaved by fear and for not allowing myself to realize that in fearing being enslaved by fear I am acting in fear of fear and thus creating the enslavement which I fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this unpleasant sensation in my solar plexus to fear and for not allowing myself to realize that in fearing this sensation in my body I am acting in fear of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define reality according to my beliefs in the thoughts in my mind, and for not allowing myself to realize that if I am living in a reality defined by the thoughts in my mind then the reality in which I live is no different to a dream world.

Nightmares, myself as a series of the same nightmare. Myself as fear of fear.

Having a special word for these dreams seemed to confirm that they had some form of reality, that they existed having being given a special word. The special word was ‘nightmare’, a horse of the night. Accepting and allowing fear of and as myself I had no wish to enquire any further what and why it should be named as such. Better to leave that knowledge ‘unopened’ I must have thought, in fear, so as not to possibly re-experience the fear which was for me the inner essence of the word.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a ‘nightmare’ could exist as separate from me because it had a special word for what it was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘nightmare’ to fear and thus in fear of nightmares accepting and allowing myself as fear of fear.

I remember how I would ‘come’ to a ‘place’ in my sleep or in my transition out of ‘waking’ (lol) consciousness when I would recognize the signs of a ‘nightmare’ being about to ‘arrive’, and then it was ‘too late’. It would be as if I was strapped on to a conveyer belt so that it was inevitable that I would go into this experience which I had defined as a nightmare.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that ‘there is nothing I can do’, and that ‘I cannot move myself’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as the victim of my own experience in which I had abandoned and suppressed my own responsibility as myself within the experience of my mind.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that the ‘inevitability’ of the coming nightmare was me experiencing myself as my mind as fear of fear. Because the dreams which I remember were all ‘repeater’, ‘re-occurring’ dreams, ‘nightmares’, they were actually re-occurring memories of dreams.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as less than my memories in which I had accepted and allowed myself to be a victim to these memories, in which I accepted and allowed these memories as real instead of realizing and understanding that these were pictures, thoughts within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to programme myself within reacting over and over again to a memory, a story which I am telling myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in a story which I am telling myself in which I define myself as fear of fear.

For more information about this process go to: www.desteni.co.za

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In terms of walking the tools of Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and Self Correction, I as a Destonian, can call myself a ‘walker’.

Seeing realizing and understanding how I am walking my Self through and as the mind, through this Self as Ego, through this total mind experience which I have existed in and which I have accepted and allowed as a reality, I find this reality itself to be nothing more than my belief, a consensual consequence of the projection of the mind of Self as humanity as a whole. Yes physical consequence, but not as I have seen it with my eyes, any more than I have seen the mind through which I am projecting the separation which I have accepted and allowed as myself.

Realisation of my responsibility as the source of this is not constant. I walk along breath by breath, sometimes falling into participation with experience, reaction. Sharing and expressing what this is that I am walking seems at once the most important thing and the most difficult thing. Every word seems preloaded and sabotaged by this medium of Ego. Like for example the word Equality. Absorbed and then re-marketed, it becomes an energetic entity, a political preference, a slogan, a kind of relationship, a comparison of separated quantities, in this process the actual significance of Equality as a key to Self as Life has then been successfully avoided. That real sharing and real communication is impossible without Equality is a fact that could potentially destroy the ego.

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The Self that I can remember as me Here was born into this physical world half-way through last century. This worldwide culture that I was born into has no specific name, though it’s chief characteristics are Acceptance and Allowance. The particular design of this acceptance and allowance which I was born into was according to the state/location of England, to English parents, accepting and allowing myself to be defined as ‘English’, to wear the mantle of ‘English’ history, and to subscribe to ‘English’ attitudes and opinions while all the people around me did likewise. Soon we were all busy handing out this stuff to each other, having accepted and allowed the specific inputs of our media/education and positioning ourselves within the accepted parameters of the culture.

If I had been born elsewhere I would have applied the culture of acceptance and allowance according to that state/place. The cardinal principle of this world wide culture is to hand over our power of self responsibility so that we can then be defined and limited by those around us and ourselves which is as a mind experience of consciousness. No matter where we have happened to be born on this Earth we grow up in and as this acceptance and belief of Self being an individual separated entity, isolated in the mystery of an energetic triangle of thought, feeling and emotion.

The systems that we have devised to back up our surrender of responsibility as Life is a construct of thought, which is religion. With this we recount various old and ancient codes and scripts which tell us that there is in fact an invisible superpower which has all responsibility, which is in absolute control of human destiny. How mad is that?

The facts of physical reality of how we have messed up so extensively with each other and this world in the application of this culture of acceptance and allowance only add to our fear of the suggestion that we might possibly be responsible for what has happened, leading us to hope even more fervently for the reality of this invisible superpower, and for us to glorify this activity of belief and faith as if it is a superior ability of ourselves as humans.

It is hard for us to see that what we have bought into with our belief in God and all the splendours of an after-life is a system of slavery on Earth, because when we have a look, no responsibility does not equal freedom, no responsibility equals slavery.

The ultimate achievement of brainwashing would be the achievement of an unquestionable reality. Is this what we’ve got? Is this culture of acceptance and allowance so oppressive that we dare not look beyond? That we cannot look at our ‘religion’ and ask ourselves, so, what is the source of our fear of responsibility, and is it real?

There IS a solution.

We can wake each other and ourselves up. We can dare to look into the bigger ‘picture’ of Self Here. Together we can change this world. We can make it into a world that’s Best for All.

One plus One we can make a difference. Come and join us.


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