Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘blank’

Over the last week, ten days I have gone into a sort of blankness in which I have ‘seemed’ to run out of all resources of knowledge and information. ‘Gobsmacked’ comes up and makes in my mind a picture of an open mouth which may be a more accurate description of this state which has been this inner experience of blankness and fog.

However I can still write words and I am determined to write something, even if it’s just durr?

No, more than that. Till Here no further means also no further than Here. I see now that attempting to go further than Here and judging myself for not going further than Here has played a part in this fogginess which I have allowed as myself as this experience. Between this state of being in my mind and shut-down has been a blurry line, which I have crossed over, falling into sleep states and into self-programming dream scenarios.

Fuck-a doodle-do; that would be a rooster waking up into a vague sense of despair. This is a long established weather condition in myself as the mind. I recognize this struggle against self diminishment, and I find it ‘hard to see’ that it’s an excuse not to break out of the comfort zone of victimhood, not to allow myself to realize that no matter what the size of the problem, it can still only be resolved by me one step at a time, directing myself, one breath, one self forgiveness, one solution, one correction.

 

This fog, where did it all start? I see now that I was judging myself having made and accepted a comparison of myself against others in process. Seeing others as being able to step out of their bubbles of process and to be now addressing all the problems of the world, and judging myself as less-than in being still stuck in this bubble. Following this, me judging my blogs as being merely ‘process’, and then not publishing.

Accepting these self  judgements has resulted in the allowance of some really self destructive backchat. One morning I ‘awoke’ from a dream realizing that my backchat had been upgraded, that I had been listening to my backchat script being expressed through the voice of Bernard, that is, somehow I had synthesized his voice in my subconscious in a vicious attempt to sabotage myself.

Sometimes my backchat seems to arrive globally like a gang of piranhas . A sort of vicious battering of multiple self  judgements. The purpose being to keep me in this programmed existence which I have for so long accepted, to keep me in this acceptance which I have become. In this picture, to keep me from Self as living being in the Water of Life.

 

Advertisements

Read Full Post »