2012: Me and expression of me.


Again, tainted with fear, this experience of writing out a string of words according to the language of the mind in which communication of physical reality is programmed to be impossible. The automatic sequences of mind-words only seem to accumulate into a lie, or something tangential to what I attempt to express as me. And so I face myself again within judgement of myself that the life I live within these words is not life at all and therefore within this I accuse myself of being less than who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as this judgement of me as this expression of who I am as I write these words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to avoid myself out of fear of who I am as the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can possibly somehow stand beside myself separate from myself as the mind rather than seeing and realizing that it is only in standing equal to and one with myself as who I am in all things that I can change myself as the starting point of all these systems which I have allowed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as more than the words I speak in this moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less than the words I speak in this moment within fearing what these words are telling me about who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can ‘have’ an  ‘experience’ of physical reality that is not an expression of myself as the energy of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from who I am as energy by using the word ‘the’ in connection to ‘mind’ instead of ‘me’  as my reference to the intimate expression of who I am.


My Family

It is inevitable that in unraveling my own accepted knots and restrictions that I should come to this issue of family. Or in a way that this issue should come to me in the form of an obstruction, a realization of the difficulty of being part of and participating in and with a real group of beings as equal as me as life is the same difficulty that I accepted as a justification, excuse for not allowing myself to be myself within my starting point in this world as an ‘aspect’ of my family.


In seeing my family as a sort of lost tribe, a culture from which and through which I came into the world, I am looking at the facets of it’s religion, it’s mythology, it’s laws, it’s politics, it’s traditions, it’s boundaries, it’s morality, it’s geography, it’s history, this list of abstract properties goes on and on. Of course, it would, it is a unit of a fractal. The microcosm of human culture, it is an institution that defies the reality of Life as One as Equal, promoting instead of Life, a succession of personalities of self-interest.


In leaving out the actual person-names of family members from this blog I realise that I am supporting issues of ‘privacy’ ‘secrecy’ and ‘respect’ and ‘not causing offence’. It is these issues as points that have I have accepted as parts of self that are some of the relevant points of this personality rather than the characters involved.


‘My Family’


The combination of these two words as I write them brings up immediately to the surface the core of my accepted pattern of relationship to the world. Experiencing for example fear in group situations, or rivalry with peers, subdued anger towards groups, distrust of one and all, and most of all, and only, Self. Hearing in the words of others my own back chat in the form of subtext, the echoes of this internalized family system. Gossip dialogues in the form of pro and anti; I realize now how much I have been accepting in my mind the pro aspects of this dialogue as if they are me in support of me rather than in support of a system which validates the negatives of self judgement.


I have been in the process of realising this for some recent weeks and seeing now that much of my resistance has been because of the power I have given to it. Thus in the allowance of this, noticing the shadowy presence of this family construct, I have been in fear of it and resisting it’s apparent magnetic pull on me to drag me back into it as the past, where I could not deal with it, or even see it clearly, rather than allowing myself to bring it here to me so that I can walk with myself as it equally and actually examine the components of it, so that I may change who I am as this pattern this family relationship which I have also unconsciously applied to others as perceived groups in the world, and to myself as the personality which I have put together as a possible means of walking through this reality, as shaped by my agreement/contract with it.


In talking about ‘my family’ here, I am not talking about other people but about who I have allowed myself to define myself as in the context of coming into this world amongst a group of others as siblings and parent figures into a political environment that was already established and towards which I styled myself according to my reactions to it. Yes ‘figures’, active figurations that I have energized in my mind.


These actual living beings have in time became obscured beneath the symbols that I superimposed onto them. They became the principle points of an abstract shape that all at once seemed to impulse into the centre a consensual definition of who I was. This meant that the principles remained to be applied in all the group situations of my life, distorting the reality of the situation, and creating unconsciously situations that were unsupportive to Self and others as I came from a starting point of who I was according to these principles which I had established in the family of how to be towards the world of humans.


Since taking into my life the reality principle of All as One as Equal and exploring for myself the Destonian research materials and the participations of other Destonians, I have found people in my local surroundings, including family members to be taking a stand of muted opposition and embarrassment about what I am doing. “Oh yes.” Said somebody to me the other day, “That would be Adam’s World.” This seeming outright rejection of my perspective on some event left me completely stunned. First of all I read into it a subtext of gossip, that what I was hearing was the opinion of a ‘group’, that’s where the family construct popped up. And yet this muted opposition that I perceive in others is part of my own design. I went into the reaction of ‘being stunned’. That is I allowed myself as this personality to shut down all expression, to stop breathing, to go into this belief in myself as a personality that will protect me by withdrawing. So there is this sense of being stranded within and as this old reaction as my relationship to family as the world.


Bringing this experience and how I am within it back to me today I can see how I sabotage myself over and over and completely lose all stability within the continued functioning of the family construct as a combined impulse in which I fall and regress into the past as this reaction to myself as this definition of who and how I am in this world amongst ‘others’ and what it is that I am accepting as my relationship to myself.


What I see now in ‘being stunned’ is the shock of exposure in betrayal, that I am shocked to discover that I have completely misread a situation. Here is a root fear of being ‘wrong’. I have separated myself from trust by putting it on another. And I have chosen the ‘wrong ‘ other to separate this self trust in to, and discover in a shockwave of fear that my personality as a system has not been respected, that it has been exposed for some time to a consensual judgement within the secrecy of the gossip of an imaginary group.


Extending my allowance of this self as mind-system personality onto others as ‘respect’ is how I am protecting my cover as a system. Needing ‘cover’ would imply shame. In this agreement of ‘respect’ for others as separation, as secret (private) mind systems there is also an expectation of a systematic ‘equalization’  that if not applied will cause offence and ‘justify’ revenge in some form of spite.


In allowing myself to fear this spite, I am also allowing myself to fear causing offence which would give rise to it as a reaction to my having flaunted the unwritten laws of system-equality which have been disguised so thoroughly within the accepted meaning of ‘respect’. It’s not that the word ‘respect’ needs to be redefined but the focus/object of it as this programmed illusion of Self as personality needs to be moved over onto a Self that is real. There is an entirely different world between respect for you and me as mind-systems and respect for real living Self.


Learning what is actually Self Respect is for me the key to real participation in the Group which is Life.




More to come


Consider this 1 fact:

The common sense practical implementation of Equality of all Life as Best for All has never been seriously considered in the entire history of humanity.

How much more proof do we need that we have been brainwashed? And if that’s not brainwashed, what is it? Stupidity?

Either way it’s time to change our approach to life on earth.


Find out how Change of Self = Change of World

And what is going on at desteni.co.za  And join with us.


entertainment system

It’s like being unable to go to a cinema without being able to resist becoming a part of the film. Apparently ‘Testing out my stability’, I turn on the radio letting the multiple voice of the establishment as the BBC flood into the silence of my room.

Looking at this situation now I see the momentary dissatisfaction that I have allowed within myself within the silence of the room. So the starting point of this ‘stability test’ was in seeking out distraction.

This is about me accepting or not the reality of beingness of who I am as breath as Life. In there being a ‘not’ about it shows this impulse which I accepted to revert into the mind as possible entertainment to distract me from what is really going on. That being the case, of course my stability had already been deliberately put aside before I clicked the switch.

Accepting myself as Life rather than as a version of who I am as an updated image/idea of myself, with and as whom I have been existing in relationship, is the process which I am working through with Self Forgiveness in which I take responsibility for the definitions/limitations which I have accepted and allowed, and so enable myself to remove them.

Having this tendency to slip into the cinema of my mind and then to become lost in the film, I am very often stopping myself and taking a breath as me Here in physical reality and deleting this energetic material which I have allowed myself to become possessed by, and then again as in this case, suddenly seeking out that repossession like an energy fix for my addiction, and allowing myself some justification for my actions, such as in this example, ‘testing my stability’.

In seeking out distraction as ‘entertainment’ in which I voluntarily cease to exist I have to look at now the polarity of this as what I am accepting and allowing myself to fear as an experience, which is fear of boredom. Boredom. This is not a thing that exists, it is just an idea. It is an idea about powerlessness, about not having an interest in the world by which to be moved, like a fear of experiencing myself as a zombie. A memory comes up of that empty feeling I used to get when the TV stopped, when I had been like a sponge for hours on end, sucking it all in, and then suddenly the pictures were gone.

It must be fear of an experience like this, which would drive me towards some entertainment, but when I look at it I see that it was only because I was allowing myself as mind to define myself as something that may possibly happen, as this relationship of fear towards boredom in the future which didn’t really exist. Rather than just allowing myself to be here, matter of fact, just as anything else in this physical room. And breathing, that’s the crucial thing. Staying with myself here. If a fear comes up then I can look at it and see what it is, catch the backchat that has come up too.

I know from looking at my dreams how the mind will go from one point to another until it finds one that produces reaction, so in a way it doesn’t matter which point it is as long as I have been persuaded to step back in line. So, seeing that this point about fear of boredom was still energetically functional I see how in fact through this I stepped back into the system as a programmed being, rather than staying with myself as Life.



Find out more about this process

At www.desteni.co.za

Blame and Separation

On Facebook I came across a photograph of a reunion, a meeting of people I once ‘thought’ I ‘knew’, or more accurately ‘with each of them, we knew something of each other’s existence’. Yes there they all were, these bygone ‘friends’ these people of the past, all of them apparently at a distance now, grown older now over a few quick decades but still were recognizable. History, yes I could have let it go that way, as history, as a browning photograph. But what was it about this group that actually connected to me in such a way that I could call it ‘my’ history? Nothing really. Nothing real that is. All of it had been these apparent meetings of Self as mind-systems at different ‘times’, all of them representing my continued failings of self-honesty amongst abundant opportunity, hence nothing real. I suppose I had let it all slip by because it felt unreal. Yes, I could have let it go as that also.

But then there was the other side, to look at, how I had let it all slip by for other reasons; because they could not feed me, give me money, offer me a bed, give me sex, energize me in some way. If I was showing myself a record of my failures to manipulate, then this could be it, with now these people standing as symbolic threats of exposure in the wings of my secret nastiness, as these missed opportunities to be alive which I had missed deliberately, and had then blamed them, denigrated them, judged their lives as ‘little’, shrunk them into irrelevance, dismissed them from my apparent ‘life’, accepted and allowed them into separation as personalities and into the laws of time, as a photograph, as ‘history’, as if that had been some kind of a drain, so that I could stand there as this image of myself all clean and blameless.

This ‘blamelessness’ being of course a twisted round version of ‘everything being the fault of others’. That is me creating a world in which I attempt to equalize my fear of self responsibility with blame of others. So everybody becomes an image of my blame. That is how I have been making this separation of myself into this polarity character reflection of Self which I have called ‘You’, as the current representative of my world of blame. With all the evil forces at my disposal I hold ‘You’ to this contract, and if I tell you about this, ‘You’ may disagree and then inside myself as consciousness I am secretly delighted because that means the contract is on. Yes of course it has to be a secret that I totally depend on ‘You’ to stand in my shit of blame where I’ve placed ‘You’ to be, ‘You’ as the living image of my self rejection.

It’s not an accident, what’s happened in the world of people; it’s intentional, this ongoing of atrocity and abuse that accumulates in the physical world, it’s entirely deliberate. When I look into the psychology of my own central nastiness as consciousness, it’s not ‘unfortunate’ that this being is standing in my shit, no, it’s a relationship which I enforce. The actual measure of the force of this enforcement is equal to my fear of self responsibility.

There is only this one method of realignment with Reality as All as One as Equal which is Self Forgiveness in which step by step breath by breath I am taking back this self responsibility which I have abandoned and remove this illusion of fear which I have justified and projected as blame and separation.

Find out how Change of Self = Change of World

And what and who the Destonians are at desteni.co.za  And join with us .

In the Mall, Christmas muzac piped in from ducts somewhere up in the ceiling. It’s 2 for the price of 1, now you can give and give and buy and save all in one transaction And be good and loving, plastic accepted. And to lubricate the way, a Christmas carol hypnosis wave to loosen up those fingers and let the money go.

O little town of Bethlehem ( a tale about the miraculous birth of Christ, in which Miracles are confirmed as real. ) sweetly sung by children.

In believing in miracles, the future is set for the allowance of anything, from now on nothing is real anymore, nothing matters. Common sense has been abandoned, and the ground is fertile for hypnotic suggestion and brainwashing.

“O little town of Bethlehem (establishing acceptance of inequality and the holy lowly, served up in sweet sentiment)
How still we see thee lie (all unsuspecting)
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep (relaxing further into hypnotic suggestion)
The silent stars go by (reference to the archetypal heavens and re-emphasis on littleness)
Yet in thy dark streets shineth (energetic polarity re-emphasised)
The everlasting light (the god/energy combo is placed)
The hopes and fears of all the years (energetic polarity established as miraculous event)
are met in thee tonight. (suggestion of the reality of hope and fear)

For Christ is born of Mary (consciousness established in the physical)
and gathered all above (superior beings)
while mortals sleep (lullabye)
the angels keep their watch (suggestion of threat)
of wondering love. (of the mind)

O morning stars together Proclaim the holy birth
(associating sunrise with the establishment of consciousness)
And praises sing to god the king (all happy now to be walking with the program, in the acceptance of slavery)
And peace to men on earth (solution to the suggested threat.)
How silently, how silently The wondrous gift is given!
(Having a god who takes all responsibility is the best thing that ever happened!)
So god imparts to human hearts The blessings of his heaven. (establishing the virtue of slavery to the consciousness system)
No ear may hear his coming (you cannot test the reality of this, but this does not matter, the miracle has been established)
But in the world of sin (blatant suggestion)
where meek souls will receive him still (in total acceptance and allowance of self as energy system)
the dear Christ (fear of responsibility established, the love of Christ as the redeemer and receptacle of power and justification of our specialness can flourish) enters in” (become possessed.)


In the supermarket.


I was walking around in a supermarket, I believed that if I looked through the selection of products I might find something which I wanted to eat.  In one of the aisles there was a little boy, must have been 2 or 3 years old. He was touching everything he could reach with his hands, trailing them along, feeling the surfaces of lids and packets on the bottom shelves while his mother advanced further and further ahead, pushing along her trolley. For him there was no time and money equation, no hurry in the world. His hands were checking everything they could, that is he was resting the palm of his hand on the plastic lids or wrappers, trailing his fingers as he drifted along, jumping them through space from one surface to the next. His progression along the aisle was like a dance of hands. Then he stopped walking and just stood there with both hands hanging loosely in the air, and then slowly slowly his right hand raised itself up and opened like a flower floating, just feeling the air.

Recognizing a picture of a raised hand as a symbol in my mind, this thought came up, that ‘he is waving to me’. I checked his eyes, but they were not focused on anything, he was not ‘waving’ to me, not seeing me, I was not in his picture. What had happed to me at this point was that I had gone into a sort of startle, selecting some construct of relationship in my mind. That if he was waving to me then there was something I should do, like go through a menu of appropriate reactions and select, walk down an aisle of symbolic products in my own supermarket of consciousness. In a moment I had gone from simply watching this being to acceptance and allowance of myself as a reaction of energy, as a factor in some algorithm, compiling myself back into the matrix of the system.



In either case, there is a point of sale, that point where the money is transferred, I am given a piece of paper with a record of the exact time and date of the transaction. Numbers have been crunched and ripples go out into digital displays across the world. Someone becomes richer someone becomes poorer, and someone starves because I have signed a decree that their food should be taken away, and somewhere in a township or a maggot farm a young child giggles and raises their fingers into the breeze.


Underneath the nightmare, there is another nightmare, only it’s the same one in close-up. Underneath the nightmare of capitalism and consumerism, there is the nightmare of this accepted consciousness in the mind which is the intricate mechanism of self-interest, fear and greed. Underneath the nightmare of the hell which we have created in other ‘countries,’ is the nightmare of other people accepting and allowing our abuse.


Introduced into the ecosystem of our organic being, this alien disc of gold that puts money into all the eyes of the world, that severs and then bridges a gap between the physical and the mind, so that every thought holds some reference to money, to survive.


Is there anything in this supermarket to eat that hasn’t come out of a secret hell in some far away ‘other’ ‘country’?


Take a look at the documentary ‘Darwin’s Nightmare’. Have a look at a close up study of just one of the sucking tentacles of millions that make up this monster which we participate in. See here how abuse slides into atrocity. Here is the hell we have created in Tanzania, the realities which we do not see when we buy into our pretty pictures in the supermarket. Artificially and deliberately created poverty disease and war are the processes that surround and spread out from the consumer system.

Have a look at the eyes that look up at to the sky and see the European jets bringing in their money making cargoes of death machines and taking away their food. Underneath the hell exposed by this documentary is another hell which isn’t even covered, in which human bodies float down the rivers into the lake, coming from another hell, Rwanda.

Following the strings which are attached to all our goods lead into places such as this. Places where deaths are not recorded, and people are not named.


This system is entirely a reflection of who we have accepted ourselves to be, which has accumulated into an insult to Life. We have to stop this. We can stop this. We can change ourselves. We can change this system of atrocity and abuse.


Investigate EqualMoney.org.

Investigate yourself with support from desteni.co.za.



Over the last week, ten days I have gone into a sort of blankness in which I have ‘seemed’ to run out of all resources of knowledge and information. ‘Gobsmacked’ comes up and makes in my mind a picture of an open mouth which may be a more accurate description of this state which has been this inner experience of blankness and fog.

However I can still write words and I am determined to write something, even if it’s just durr?

No, more than that. Till Here no further means also no further than Here. I see now that attempting to go further than Here and judging myself for not going further than Here has played a part in this fogginess which I have allowed as myself as this experience. Between this state of being in my mind and shut-down has been a blurry line, which I have crossed over, falling into sleep states and into self-programming dream scenarios.

Fuck-a doodle-do; that would be a rooster waking up into a vague sense of despair. This is a long established weather condition in myself as the mind. I recognize this struggle against self diminishment, and I find it ‘hard to see’ that it’s an excuse not to break out of the comfort zone of victimhood, not to allow myself to realize that no matter what the size of the problem, it can still only be resolved by me one step at a time, directing myself, one breath, one self forgiveness, one solution, one correction.


This fog, where did it all start? I see now that I was judging myself having made and accepted a comparison of myself against others in process. Seeing others as being able to step out of their bubbles of process and to be now addressing all the problems of the world, and judging myself as less-than in being still stuck in this bubble. Following this, me judging my blogs as being merely ‘process’, and then not publishing.

Accepting these self  judgements has resulted in the allowance of some really self destructive backchat. One morning I ‘awoke’ from a dream realizing that my backchat had been upgraded, that I had been listening to my backchat script being expressed through the voice of Bernard, that is, somehow I had synthesized his voice in my subconscious in a vicious attempt to sabotage myself.

Sometimes my backchat seems to arrive globally like a gang of piranhas . A sort of vicious battering of multiple self  judgements. The purpose being to keep me in this programmed existence which I have for so long accepted, to keep me in this acceptance which I have become. In this picture, to keep me from Self as living being in the Water of Life.