It’s like being unable to go to a cinema without being able to resist becoming a part of the film. Apparently ‘Testing out my stability’, I turn on the radio letting the multiple voice of the establishment as the BBC flood into the silence of my room.
Looking at this situation now I see the momentary dissatisfaction that I have allowed within myself within the silence of the room. So the starting point of this ‘stability test’ was in seeking out distraction.
This is about me accepting or not the reality of beingness of who I am as breath as Life. In there being a ‘not’ about it shows this impulse which I accepted to revert into the mind as possible entertainment to distract me from what is really going on. That being the case, of course my stability had already been deliberately put aside before I clicked the switch.
Accepting myself as Life rather than as a version of who I am as an updated image/idea of myself, with and as whom I have been existing in relationship, is the process which I am working through with Self Forgiveness in which I take responsibility for the definitions/limitations which I have accepted and allowed, and so enable myself to remove them.
Having this tendency to slip into the cinema of my mind and then to become lost in the film, I am very often stopping myself and taking a breath as me Here in physical reality and deleting this energetic material which I have allowed myself to become possessed by, and then again as in this case, suddenly seeking out that repossession like an energy fix for my addiction, and allowing myself some justification for my actions, such as in this example, ‘testing my stability’.
In seeking out distraction as ‘entertainment’ in which I voluntarily cease to exist I have to look at now the polarity of this as what I am accepting and allowing myself to fear as an experience, which is fear of boredom. Boredom. This is not a thing that exists, it is just an idea. It is an idea about powerlessness, about not having an interest in the world by which to be moved, like a fear of experiencing myself as a zombie. A memory comes up of that empty feeling I used to get when the TV stopped, when I had been like a sponge for hours on end, sucking it all in, and then suddenly the pictures were gone.
It must be fear of an experience like this, which would drive me towards some entertainment, but when I look at it I see that it was only because I was allowing myself as mind to define myself as something that may possibly happen, as this relationship of fear towards boredom in the future which didn’t really exist. Rather than just allowing myself to be here, matter of fact, just as anything else in this physical room. And breathing, that’s the crucial thing. Staying with myself here. If a fear comes up then I can look at it and see what it is, catch the backchat that has come up too.
I know from looking at my dreams how the mind will go from one point to another until it finds one that produces reaction, so in a way it doesn’t matter which point it is as long as I have been persuaded to step back in line. So, seeing that this point about fear of boredom was still energetically functional I see how in fact through this I stepped back into the system as a programmed being, rather than staying with myself as Life.
Find out more about this process