After-thought network title: Tales of Mystery and Imagination
Starting with this point of me and ‘imagination’,
looking at how in my life I have cherished imagination as a personal asset through which I have believed that I might possibly be able to redeem my apparent worthlessness within my assessment and definition of myself as ‘inapplicable’ to the system.
Not realizing that mind itself is all and every part of it imagination, and it was not as this mind was telling me, that imagination was an aspect of myself as the mind, a sort of attractive resource that was available to me as the mind, or that accepting it thus, would involve acceptance of myself as the mind.
In daring to look at this now, I acknowledge the fear that has been involved in it. In turning imagination as an ‘aspect’ of the mind into some sort of glorious mystery which I turned into my domain, and called ‘imagination’ I see now how this was my safe place to ‘play’ as mind within the unknowingness of my self as fear.
In seeing here the word cherished, which is both loved and nurtured, I understand also the origin of my grief in letting go of these things.
Memory: Someone said about me, puzzled by my apparent inapplicability within the system: ‘It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.’
Accepting this formulation of the situation as being my personal position, within which I was saying to myself ‘yes’, ‘that’s it,’ ‘that’s right’, ‘now I understand’ meant that from this construct I would now go on to seek the ‘solution’ to my discomfort in the same terms; that is to find out the ‘roundness’ of myself which I had missed as a ‘peg’ in order to ‘fit’, or else to seek out a ‘square hole’.
I did not realize at the time how in accepting this formula I was accepting myself as a limited choice between ‘square’ and ‘round’, or how I was accepting a belief that the solution to my discomfort lay in discovering my ‘allotted’ place within society, which I then saw as being a kind of personalized socket which I needed to find and then into which to insert myself.
In seeking out ‘square holes’ in the ‘peg board’ of the system I was looking for a ready-made place for me. I see now the background programming of God’s Plan.
The ‘rightness’ of my fit into this socket would mean that the lights would come on, that there would now be a circuit, and that I would be connected, be successful, get money, have sex, have value, be happy, and the sun of God would shine down upon me and I would be a functional part of the system, have an application.
In seeking out the required quality of ‘roundness’ in myself in order to plug myself into a round hole, I was constantly seeking new definitions of myself through comparing myself to others. Like is there anything of me in that, this, him, her? There was a belief here that if I managed to look at myself through others from a different perspective and re-define myself and feel comfortable with the definition, and it ‘stuck’, then that would mean that at last through trial and error of self definitions I would have found out who I really was.
Unknowingly, I was looking for something that would ‘ring a bell’ inside me and confirm that I was walking with the programme of who I was, according to what felt ‘right’ in my gut, sort of attempting to fit myself with myself by listening to and believing in these signals in my mind.
In fear of an answer, I never asked myself the question What is it that I have accepted about myself that makes me so willing and even desperate to find a definition into which to fit myself? Or why would I accept such limitation and constriction?
It had never occurred to me that seeking out what was god’s plan for me was exactly the same as seeking out what was my pre-programming as a system. Seeing it as ‘God’s Divine Plan’, there was already built into my beliefs rightness, and specialness, sin and glory, the basic architecture of myself as a programmed ego, and that in following the ‘Will’ of God I was seeking salvation in slavery.
Being without self trust and still faithful to my accepted fear of realizing and facing within this my self dishonesty, or my self responsibility in it all, instead In fear of self I accepted this vague suppressed discomfort as a driving force, as a substitute for life and as a result my mission became this search for self definition.