Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘desteniiprocess’

 

Listening to Sunette using a sentence that contained both ‘self-direction’, and ‘walking discipline’,  ( This is the video: 2012: How and Why we ALWAYS Miss the OBVIOUS ) I suddenly was in an experience of fear, going roughly, Oh no, not walking discipline! Arg!

So come on Adam, who have I been trying to kid round here, believing that I might just maybe be able to direct myself and keep this nasty little word discipline tucked away somewhere, maybe somehow get by without having to look at it! Nooo!

This is a really cool point for me because I find that the issue of discipline is like a corner stone of the structure of this personality which I have for so long accepted as me. I have been attempting to direct myself (going like why is this so hard? lol) while at the same time avoiding the word ‘discipline’ because of all the negative emotional charges that I have connected to it. Is there a difference between directing myself and walking discipline?

When I have a look at the word discipline as I have defined it according to my experiences of hearing the word I see how I have connected it to fear. A picture comes up of drill practice at school as an army cadet in which one follows orders, moves exactly as others, in uniforms exactly as others, all timed footfalls exactly as others, as a machine. Kind of fun in itself, but I reacted badly to it. I didn’t like all the endless preparations of boot polishing and brass cleaning, and the fact that it was ok for a teacher dressed up in the uniform of an officer to be as offensive and sadistic as possible. So I became opposed to discipline as acceptance of authority, as loss of individuality.

So accumulating around this word discipline I had already beliefs that discipline meant obeying the commands of authority, meant constriction, deprivation of freedom, and loss of individuality.

So as a reaction I elected to live a life not disciplined, casual, wild, free, tolerant, etc.  All the opposite qualities of what the system was attempting to imbue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am free within consenting to my own possession by impulses and desires.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that in fearing self-discipline as ‘constriction’ I am obviously protecting myself as this possession of impulse and desire as personality and sabotaging the possibility of me taking responsibility for who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self-discipline and for not allowing myself to realize how I have designed my personality as me, my life, according to a reaction to manipulation and control by others and for not realizing that in fearing self discipline I have been in effect safe guarding the continuation of this belief in myself as this personality and have therefore positioned myself in defense against myself so that I may not direct myself or be able to walk this point of discipline.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize how I can in fact enjoy direction of myself, how I can in fact have direction in my life and be direction and live direction as an expression of who I am.

 

NEW from EQAFE!

Here is a really clear introduction to the energy system in the human body:

http://eqafe.com/p/the-emotional-and-feeling-body-system-and-physical-energy-alignments

Desteni.org   Equalmoney.org

 

Read Full Post »

After-thought network title: Tales of Mystery and Imagination

 

Starting with this point of me and ‘imagination’,

looking at how in my life I have cherished imagination as a personal asset through which I have believed that I might possibly be able to redeem my apparent worthlessness within my assessment and definition of myself as ‘inapplicable’ to the system.

 

Not realizing that mind itself is all and every part of it imagination, and it was not as this mind was telling me, that imagination was an aspect of myself as the mind, a sort of  attractive resource that was available to me as the mind, or that accepting it thus, would involve acceptance of myself as the mind.

 

In daring to look at this now, I acknowledge the fear that has been involved in it. In turning imagination as an ‘aspect’ of the mind into some sort of glorious mystery which I turned into my domain, and called ‘imagination’ I see now how this was my safe place to ‘play’ as mind  within the unknowingness of my self as fear.

 

In seeing here the word cherished, which is both loved and nurtured, I understand also the origin of my grief in letting go of these things.

 

 

Applicability

 

Memory: Someone said about me, puzzled by my apparent inapplicability within the system: ‘It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.’

 

Accepting this formulation of the situation as being my personal position, within which I was saying to myself ‘yes’, ‘that’s it,’ ‘that’s right’, ‘now I understand’ meant that from this construct I would now go on to seek the ‘solution’ to my discomfort in the same terms; that is to find out the ‘roundness’ of myself which I had missed as a ‘peg’ in order to ‘fit’, or else to seek out a ‘square hole’.

 

I did not realize at the time how in accepting this formula I was accepting myself as a limited choice between ‘square’ and ‘round’, or how I was accepting a belief that the solution to my discomfort lay in discovering my ‘allotted’ place within society, which I then saw as being a kind of personalized socket which I needed to find and then into which to insert myself.

 

In seeking out ‘square holes’ in the ‘peg board’ of the system I was looking for a ready-made place for me. I see now the background programming of God’s Plan.

The ‘rightness’ of my fit into this socket would mean that the lights would come on, that there would now be a circuit, and that I would be connected, be successful, get money, have sex, have value, be happy, and the sun of God would shine down upon me and I would be a functional part of the system, have an application.

 

In seeking out the required quality of ‘roundness’ in myself in order to plug myself into a round hole, I was constantly seeking new definitions of myself through comparing myself to others. Like is there anything of me in that, this, him, her? There was a belief here that if I managed to look at myself through others from a different perspective and re-define myself and feel comfortable with the definition, and it ‘stuck’, then that would mean that at last through trial and error of self definitions I would have found out who I really was.

 

Unknowingly, I was looking for something that would ‘ring a bell’ inside me and confirm that I was walking with the programme of who I was, according to what felt ‘right’ in my gut, sort of attempting to fit myself with myself by listening to and believing in these signals in my mind.

 

In fear of an answer, I never asked myself the question What is it that I have accepted about myself that makes me so willing and even desperate to find a definition into which to fit myself? Or why would I accept such limitation and constriction?

 

It had never occurred to me that seeking out what was god’s plan for me was exactly the same as seeking out what was my pre-programming as a system. Seeing it as ‘God’s Divine Plan’, there was already built into my beliefs rightness, and specialness, sin and glory, the basic architecture of myself as a programmed ego, and that in following the ‘Will’ of God I was seeking salvation in slavery.

 

Being without self trust and still faithful to my accepted fear of realizing and facing within this my self dishonesty, or my self responsibility in it all, instead In fear of self I accepted this vague suppressed discomfort as a driving force, as a substitute for life and as a result my mission became this search for self definition.

 

Read Full Post »

I have a work in front of me now in cleaning up one of my essential tools which is the word ‘No’. This seems like a vast piece of work to do but I will not let that ‘vastness’ be a justification for not making a start.

A picture comes up in my mind of a huge ‘Yes’ written across the sky as the name of my energetic world of consent to everything.

Saying ‘No’ in a ‘Yes’ world is taboo. There are energetic safeguards to stop this happening, built in seductions of my resolve. My responsibility is now to undo the measures which I have put in for my own protection as the system. This complicity I have had within my relationship to and as myself as mind as an ongoing chain reaction of resigned consent, it has to stop with the word ‘No’.

Therefore I have to take out this word and look at how I have defined and lived it. In order to live ‘No’ as a simple expresion of what I will not accept, I have now to disconnect the energetic constructs which I have allowed to accumulate within it, me. Having connected fear to the word ‘No’ I am accepting and allowing self as mind as fear of fear when I act to avoid saying ‘No’, thus in saying ‘No’ to myself as consciousness, I am self sabotaging myself by affirming consciousness in giving reality to fear so that in effect in this situation ‘No’ doesn’t mean ‘No’ at all but ‘Yes’. My ‘No’ has been undermined, it is ineffective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the state of this word ‘No’ in who and how I am as an excuse to falter in my resolve to change myself and be the change of self, instead of realising that this word has back doors built into it with my consent so that I can continue to be ineffective in ‘trying’ to change, continue to be a victim in my relationship to myself, continue to see self responsibility postponed till later.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write in a secret get-out clause within the word ‘No’ by accepting and allowing myself to connect fear with the word ‘No’.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that in accepting these conditions in myself I am also accepting them for and as others so that the consequence is a world in which the effect of the word ‘No’ has been neutralised.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that in saying ‘No’ to the systems in fear I am accepting myself as the system and within this have lost touch with myself as who I am so that the ground on which I stand seems to fall away beneath me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this feeling of the ground falling away beneath my stand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within this as fear of fear and of fear of fear of fear and for not allowing myself to realise that within this vortex I am accepting and allowing mind possession within this starting point of my belief in fear.

When and as I say ‘No’, I say ‘No’ in the simplicity and clarity of myself as No, I do not accept this. I breathe. Every time I say No to myself as the system where once I would have allowed Yes, I am stronger in myself as Self as Life and with this No I take back bit by bit my power as Self as Life.

For more information on Self Forgiveness and word purification go to http://www.desteni.co.za

Read Full Post »

Continuing to dismantle this ME-ality, this Mind Energetic Reality, which I have accepted and allowed as Here, Breath by Breath.

Waking up, opening up my eyes to face self has been for me a fearful process, a process in which I did not allow myself to see that this connection with fear was showing me a version of self which I had created within and as my mind.

What else has there ever been but this facing of self and avoidance of facing of self. And what of this creation of fear which I have accepted and allowed and then separated from as if it was the single enduring proof in my life that what I am here is this mind which exists separate to and less than this feature of my experience which I have called fear?

Writing this I remember how as a child I had repeated dreams in which I had ‘been chased’ into the dead end represented by the top of a building which had no rails around the edge so that it seemed and then was inevitable that I was drawn to and over the edge. Looking at this now it seems as if my dream reality was like a course in which I was practicing the reaction of fear, running away from something or falling off something. What I was establishing my faith in was running away from fear, or falling into fear, justifying these activities with pictures and stories. While in my body I was connecting over and over fear with this unpleasant sensation of a charge in my solar plexus. In the dream I seem to have been compiling the programme of fear of being unable to escape from fear, as fear of fear; and fear of having no control over fear, as fear of fear, or fear of being enslaved to fear as fear of fear.

Coming back to avoidance of facing self, in which statement fear is explicitly entwined with self, I am accepting and allowing fear of self. Opening up my eyes when I wake up in the morning I am facing self, if I do this as self in fear, then I am waking up not in the real world but in a mind projected reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in fear and for allowing myself to connect fear to fear so that I exist trapped within and as my beliefs as fear of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and escape from fear and for not allowing myself to realize that in doing this I am sabotaging myself within by accepting escape as real, then fear as real also.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having no control over fear and for not allowing myself to realize that in seeking to control fear I am acting in fear of fear and continuing to live in the world of the mind in which I have accepted fear as real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being enslaved by fear and for not allowing myself to realize that in fearing being enslaved by fear I am acting in fear of fear and thus creating the enslavement which I fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this unpleasant sensation in my solar plexus to fear and for not allowing myself to realize that in fearing this sensation in my body I am acting in fear of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define reality according to my beliefs in the thoughts in my mind, and for not allowing myself to realize that if I am living in a reality defined by the thoughts in my mind then the reality in which I live is no different to a dream world.

Nightmares, myself as a series of the same nightmare. Myself as fear of fear.

Having a special word for these dreams seemed to confirm that they had some form of reality, that they existed having being given a special word. The special word was ‘nightmare’, a horse of the night. Accepting and allowing fear of and as myself I had no wish to enquire any further what and why it should be named as such. Better to leave that knowledge ‘unopened’ I must have thought, in fear, so as not to possibly re-experience the fear which was for me the inner essence of the word.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a ‘nightmare’ could exist as separate from me because it had a special word for what it was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘nightmare’ to fear and thus in fear of nightmares accepting and allowing myself as fear of fear.

I remember how I would ‘come’ to a ‘place’ in my sleep or in my transition out of ‘waking’ (lol) consciousness when I would recognize the signs of a ‘nightmare’ being about to ‘arrive’, and then it was ‘too late’. It would be as if I was strapped on to a conveyer belt so that it was inevitable that I would go into this experience which I had defined as a nightmare.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that ‘there is nothing I can do’, and that ‘I cannot move myself’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as the victim of my own experience in which I had abandoned and suppressed my own responsibility as myself within the experience of my mind.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that the ‘inevitability’ of the coming nightmare was me experiencing myself as my mind as fear of fear. Because the dreams which I remember were all ‘repeater’, ‘re-occurring’ dreams, ‘nightmares’, they were actually re-occurring memories of dreams.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as less than my memories in which I had accepted and allowed myself to be a victim to these memories, in which I accepted and allowed these memories as real instead of realizing and understanding that these were pictures, thoughts within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to programme myself within reacting over and over again to a memory, a story which I am telling myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in a story which I am telling myself in which I define myself as fear of fear.

For more information about this process go to: www.desteni.co.za

Read Full Post »

Today another dream, the same one really. Again I show myself this same scenario, that I am on the run from a darkness which I have created in my self. Within this darkness a belief: that there is the evidence of my murder of someone in the past, someone I dare not to remember. It is a secret which will not stay down. I am possessed by a horror that it will rise and rise again, and that I will continue to allow myself to murder again and again to keep it down. It is the secret that must be realised, the truth will out, and I am the truth of myself and I am this fear of who I am as fear, as fear of fear from which I know I cannot keep on running. Meanwhile murders spring up in the world of physical reality, as I run headlong into manifested consequence and war. This War against Humans, this War against Self, this War against Life.
Facing this war against self, that would not die, this self which was a face, a face I allowed myself to hate, a face which came to represent to me the witness of my hate. In the dream I cannot stop and look upon what I have done, but kill and kill and kill this face which will not close it’s eyes, which will not die.
Is this the profile of the ego which I have created, this line drawn by the limit which I have set on self forgiveness? This till-here-no-further declaration of the shadow?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put a limit on self forgiveness.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see where I have put a limit on self forgiveness.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see how I have defined myself as a core of unforgivability by setting limits on self forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that within myself there is a secret which cannot be exposed because it cannot be forgiven.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the truth of who I am to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of my own fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as hate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate the witness of my hate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself as hate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will die if my secret self as mind was to be exposed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this belief as a justification for the principle of killing rather than being exposed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe protection of my secret mind to be among my vital interests.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this belief as a justification for going to war against humans.

Read Full Post »

Intoxicated means Poisoned.

We’ve had government sanctioned lies.

We’ve had government sanctioned debt.

We’ve had government sanctioned poverty.

We’ve had government sanctioned unemployment.

We’ve had government sanctioned greed.

We’ve had government sanctioned killing of humans.

We’ve had government sanctioned destruction of life.

 

Now for government sanctioned ‘fun’.

 

In the uk the model of sociability which is sanctioned by the government is that you go to a meeting place and you take the government approved drug which is called alcohol. The message is that this is an acceptable form of fun. So it remains a part of our culture that a social occasion is mostly a drinking occasion, when sociability and alcoholic inebriation are inseparable. The symptoms of this combination are instantly recognisable; there is a sort of emphatic loudness to the laughter, as time passes it becomes more and more compulsive and infectious. If you sit in a pub from the early evening you will notice how the volume of the chatter suddenly goes up after the first couple of drinks get into the bloodstream. And the chatter gradually becomes banter, with more and more constant squealing and giggling until the evening is in full swing when everyone has to shout into each other’s ears and the babble has become a full on roar. This is government sanctioned programmed ‘fun’.

What would have become of this evening if there had been no alcohol, if people had  congregated just to express themselves to each other, just to commune, just to communicate? I suppose the atmosphere would be more like that of a coffee house or a café. Perhaps there might have been realisations of some of the problems which we all face, perhaps we might have been discussing common sense solutions about what might be best for all of us, given the circumstances. Or the problem of our accepted oppression which evidently we need so desparately to relieve with alcohol. This need is what we are showing ourselves with the alcohol. Why we cannot let ourselves enjoy ourselves on a social level without taking drugs seems like a good question. If we are talking about fear, then let’s share it, expose it, take responsibility for it and forgive ourselves for allowing ourselves to accept it.

I mean here we are in this truly amazing situation which is being alive in physical reality. Perhaps we might have been meeting each other in all sincerity as life. LIFE.  Instead what we have accepted for ourselves is our shared time together degenerating into a bit of a joke, a competition between egos, a justification for all kinds of abuse under the unquestionable aegis of good humour, where everything can be laughed off or suppressed, including who we really are.

This is absurd.

How it is technically that alcohol enhances our confidence in ourselves as our programmes I do not understand, but that it is so can be seen very easily when I sit in a bar drinking water while the personalities around me become expansive and loud, and suddenly different. They become somehow top-heavy, more forward, their heads seem to lead the way while the rest of their bodies seem to trail behind,  catching up. They become creatures of the mind. Suddenly a light comes on and they are absolutely brilliant, they become all fast and witty, sharp and spiteful or very blunt. They spew out knowledge and information, they become strongly held opinions and judgements, they become emotional reactions. It is the world of the mind where nothing that is real matters, and where things which are unreal matter a lot. This is government sanctioned programmed ‘fun’. It does not support life. It does not support change.

 

I know what it’s like because I have done this, I have gone round in circles for years, made up of going round in smaller circles each day, I have experienced it over and over again, but I have stopped. I refuse to accept any more myself as this programmed system of consciousness, and I refuse to support any more this consciousness with this ego lubricating drug called alcohol.

 

Through change of self, change the world.

 

Investigate:

http://desteni.co.za

http://www.desteniiprocess.com

http://equalmoney.org

Read Full Post »

So I Continue to walk the Desteni I Process. It is through this that I am enabling myself to face myself and my reality.

Over the last few posts I have been facing aspects of my fear of myself, and the consequences of this fear in shaping my life. I have changed in many ways since I came across Desteni. I know this because if I ask myself if I am willing to return to the way I was, the answer is No Way. How I managed to exist in constant instability and alongside and within so many self deceptions I do not know. The mind. I thought it was real. Consciousness. I believed that to be who I was. Spirit, Soul, God, I swallowed and fed upon it all, hook, line and sinker.

Change. This is an interesting one because it’s only recently while doing a mind-construct that I came to see and realise how much I have been justifying myself as a victim and living out a scenario of blame by relying on a self belief of being ‘unchangeable’ (as in fixed up, stitched up, stamped sealed and processed.) It’s interesting that I have had to change on various levels such as in stability through breathing to be able to come across and face this self-belief, and underneath to find this fear of change. So I am seeing how I was manipulating myself through becoming this self-definition so as not to experience the fear.

The fear was a secret to myself. A secret fear. A fear that I have successfully made a secret from myself.

That’s pretty fucked up stuff.

Secrecy itself is fearful because it makes division.

Secret Fear. When I look at the word ‘secret’ I realise how I have attached it to fear. That if (lol) I have any secrets, all of them are like containers of some fear. That’s quite useful because it might be easier to make a list of my secrets than it is to make a list of my fears, and from the secrets, to open the jars and see what’s inside.

And then there’s ‘Secret Mind’, suddenly it seems obvious how it is an organisation of fear, that fear is the very nature of it. So when I look at how I have lived as ‘secret mind’, and ‘back-chat’, I see how I have lived in and as fear, and I see and realise how I have written secrecy into the very structure of myself.

Anyway so this is where I am right now, investigating my fear of change. That change is possible I have demonstrated to myself through the use of Self Forgiveness. I have proved to myself that I am in fact changeable.

So when I meet someone I know, I stop trying to prove that I am who I always have been.

When I come across a secret, I use it as a handle to expose the fear it hides.

I’ll let you know what happens..

Read Full Post »

180 degrees

 

Facing a blank page, the question is not what do I want to write about today so much as what is going on right now that I very much do not want to write out and see before me? The outer layer of that fear would be the blank page, the pause, those moments of holding. Something that I am realising more often is that if I am to undo this personality I have got myself into then I need to be walking directly towards my fears so as to investigate them instead of directly away from them or hiding from them. This represents a 180 degree turn about in my recent life.

Hanging over from my last post was a point about consistency and my fear of inconsistency within the context of myself as a liar. I started a new paragraph with, ‘My life has always seemed inconsistent’. Then I stopped. The back chat was saying: ok well that’s another subject, why not leave it there, how about a nice cup of tea, let’s not go into this right now, it’s kind of risky because you might start talking about how you weren’t just a liar in your distant and far away youth, but always have been, and still are!

Thing is what the back chat is saying is true, it is a fact that I need to look at that I do still lie sometimes, but what is not supportive is the way the backchat is entirely integrated into and as a sort of animated self judgement, in which I am apparently trying to protect myself from further exposure while at the same time trying to scare myself into keeping quiet. Once again I get a glimpse of myself as this backchat, a sort of angry but kind, protective yet threatening entity. ‘You are going to fucking well sit there and keep quiet because if you express this stuff people will know that you are bad bad bad and then I won’t be able to protect you’.

Well that may not have been the exact words of it, but that’s the tone.

Anyway, back to this statement which I allowed myself to avoid, and looking at this sentence today, in isolation, it tells me many things;

“My life has always seemed inconsistent.”

I can see in this that it is as if I am observing a reality, rather than a self judgement, and within that, seeing the ‘reality’ of myself as fixed, and unfixable.

I can see that I am seeing Self as ‘finished’, a finished object, now destined to walk it out, making the best of it. I can see that I have resigned to accept myself as my own unchangeable last judgement.

I can see that in this elevated position of being the highest judge in my own land, my judgements have come to be the ‘reality’ in which I live.

 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become an energy system based on judgement.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe in mental constructs of good and bad and right and wrong and project these values onto myself and the world as if they were real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that the judgements which I have made about myself are real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to confuse physical reality with projections of my mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear myself having allowed myself to believe in my self judgements as real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that fear is real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear responsibility and for not allowing myself to see that if I live in fear of responsibility then I cannot change what I have allowed myself to become.

 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to justify my denial of responsibility by using the belief that I am unchangeable.

Read Full Post »

It wasn’t me!

This is the first lie which I can remember. I was trying to get into the house which my  brother had locked me out of. Banging on the glass, I had accidentally broken it. My father said, well who was on the inside and who was on the outside? As the broken glass was on the kitchen floor, it didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure out who was responsible. My father did not confront me with this, he just sort of wandered off.

 

At this young age I had already discovered that I could apparently sabotage the advances of accusation through outright denial which I later justified developed and elaborated into lies and blame. This is like a system to manage an alternative reality. In taking responsibility for accepting Self as consciousness I can see that in part at least given my belief in the reality of fear, I have ‘invented’ it.

Through lies I discovered that I could represent Self in the world as words in any way I wanted, however it would suit my escape from responsibility. As the suspicion of other people was a problem, I had to design lies so that they had consistency which would give them durability. I soon discovered that lies required a lot of energy because as add-on alternative realities they required their own memory banks to be maintained and rehearsed. So the dread of the truth inevitably rising to the surface was connected very much to my fear of not having enough energy to maintain the lies. Solutions to this problem of energy seemed to be in making the lie as small and compact as possible so as to fit neatly into an otherwise true story. Also attempting to make myself believe the lie to be true seemed like a trick worth practicing, because within that there would be a maximum economy of energy. Another thing I found was that it was risky to allow my lies to be spontaneous as this could lead to trouble, so I had to develop the faculty of secret-thought in which I set up elaborate cross-checking devices, a sort of quality control department, also requiring more energy.

All of these manoeuvres were entirely conscious, having accepted fear as real. Looking at the consequences of lies in terms of energy I can see how this strategy of lying would accumulate into a constant need of energy, the lies would justify self as a system of energy, and as that energy self would accumulate as a lie.

So ‘It wasn’t me’ becomes a fake reality in which ‘It isn’t me’.

Read Full Post »

Fear of Self Expression and my fuck-up with ‘Art’.

The issue of how I came to develop a leaning towards ‘Art’ and Self-Expression as the general direction I was going to take in life came up recently while I was unravelling a mind-construct. I noticed how it was that I accepted a ready-made definition of ‘Art’ as ‘Self Expression’, and before that how I had accepted the phrase ‘poetic license’. Well I accepted the poet’s ‘license’. This meant to me that if what I had to say was in the form of a ‘poem’ then, under special dispensation of the system, I could say as I liked and not be judged for it. I did not need to explain it, or justify it. Same went for ‘art’ in general, as ‘Self expression’. Looking at all this now, I can see how this represented for me a possible institutionalised validation of my self acceptance. If I defined myself as a ‘poet’ or an ‘artist’ both of them mental constructs, and expressed my self from these starting points, then I believed I could possibly find validation of my self acceptance. It was not that I had realised that my self judgements were unreal.

Or that what I was as a preference of myself as judgement was unreal.

What had happened was that I deceived myself into believing that I could through these channels continue to hide from self by defining self in unreal terms, and then get validation for this unreal self.

 

It’s interesting how when I open up the statement. ‘I have always been interested in Self Expression’, underneath it I find a statement that says, ‘I have always been in fear of Self expression’.

 

In writing this one out, I have this feeling of being constantly up against a wall, no matter which way I turn and I recognise my self constriction within and as fear.

So now I breathe, I get back to the physical.

 

And then I have to stop myself as I go again into a fear of realisation in which the realisation seems ‘too big’ for me to encompass, it seems to open out into multi dimensional avenues of perspective, all littered with other points equally needing to be looked at, and it seems as if the understanding can only be grasped by somehow taking hold of everything at once. It’s all smoke and mirrors.

And yet here am I making myself small in the face of this, less-than as a sort of linear phenomena, trudging along, one word after another, obstructing my own path with outdated justifications to give up.

So, enough of that, one specific point. Just breathe.

 

 

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.