On Facebook I came across a photograph of a reunion, a meeting of people I once ‘thought’ I ‘knew’, or more accurately ‘with each of them, we knew something of each other’s existence’. Yes there they all were, these bygone ‘friends’ these people of the past, all of them apparently at a distance now, grown older now over a few quick decades but still were recognizable. History, yes I could have let it go that way, as history, as a browning photograph. But what was it about this group that actually connected to me in such a way that I could call it ‘my’ history? Nothing really. Nothing real that is. All of it had been these apparent meetings of Self as mind-systems at different ‘times’, all of them representing my continued failings of self-honesty amongst abundant opportunity, hence nothing real. I suppose I had let it all slip by because it felt unreal. Yes, I could have let it go as that also.
But then there was the other side, to look at, how I had let it all slip by for other reasons; because they could not feed me, give me money, offer me a bed, give me sex, energize me in some way. If I was showing myself a record of my failures to manipulate, then this could be it, with now these people standing as symbolic threats of exposure in the wings of my secret nastiness, as these missed opportunities to be alive which I had missed deliberately, and had then blamed them, denigrated them, judged their lives as ‘little’, shrunk them into irrelevance, dismissed them from my apparent ‘life’, accepted and allowed them into separation as personalities and into the laws of time, as a photograph, as ‘history’, as if that had been some kind of a drain, so that I could stand there as this image of myself all clean and blameless.
This ‘blamelessness’ being of course a twisted round version of ‘everything being the fault of others’. That is me creating a world in which I attempt to equalize my fear of self responsibility with blame of others. So everybody becomes an image of my blame. That is how I have been making this separation of myself into this polarity character reflection of Self which I have called ‘You’, as the current representative of my world of blame. With all the evil forces at my disposal I hold ‘You’ to this contract, and if I tell you about this, ‘You’ may disagree and then inside myself as consciousness I am secretly delighted because that means the contract is on. Yes of course it has to be a secret that I totally depend on ‘You’ to stand in my shit of blame where I’ve placed ‘You’ to be, ‘You’ as the living image of my self rejection.
It’s not an accident, what’s happened in the world of people; it’s intentional, this ongoing of atrocity and abuse that accumulates in the physical world, it’s entirely deliberate. When I look into the psychology of my own central nastiness as consciousness, it’s not ‘unfortunate’ that this being is standing in my shit, no, it’s a relationship which I enforce. The actual measure of the force of this enforcement is equal to my fear of self responsibility.
There is only this one method of realignment with Reality as All as One as Equal which is Self Forgiveness in which step by step breath by breath I am taking back this self responsibility which I have abandoned and remove this illusion of fear which I have justified and projected as blame and separation.
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good writing! thanks closs!